The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
You Might Also Like
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Carpe DM
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.