People who hate candy corn love telling you.
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on