There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.