Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
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*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.