@Tmoney68: Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He's been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
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@3sunzzz: My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
@comedianluke: If he can't build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it's a Road Runner cartoon.
@ohpeetie: Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"
@ninjadinosaur1: He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can't think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.