Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
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Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman