Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
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friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
went fishing caught a bass
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi