Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs