Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
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Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.