Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
dogs can find happiness so easily
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while