I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
The French cow says MEUX…
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*