people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
You Might Also Like
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water