Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
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I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
They’re really bad with fonts.