Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
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12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
got so much cardio in today
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker