If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
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If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.