Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
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Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.