Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
You Might Also Like
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.