Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Banana is the quietest snack
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?