Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
You Might Also Like
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I feel seen.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]