15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires