Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
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Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.