Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
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If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.