heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Investing in beetcoin
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”