All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
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My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
*pokes sex life with a stick
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.