MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Who needs an Air Fryer?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.