MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
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Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight