“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Boating season is upon us.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…