“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
i spent way too long on this
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”