Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better