Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.