*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
You Might Also Like
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Good morning, Twitter 😊
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.