man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
*limbos under the caution tape
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.