Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
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Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t