@juliussharpe: Management tip - only hire bald guys. They don't have anything going on besides work.
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@krisv_723: *Watching tv* Him: wtf are you eating? Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it's stale.
@stockejock: Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
@leshnevsky: How to make a woman crazy in two steps: 1. Take a picture of her 2. Don't show her the picture