Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
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Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Nothing to do, you say?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]