MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
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Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok