MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.