A great tip. #CakeRex
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son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Nose
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks