Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Choose your fighter
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Lmfao
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed