Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
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Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”