Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider: