Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
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Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.