Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
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I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
an octopus is just a wet spider
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.