MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
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Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for