MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
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My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
こいつ天才
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)