Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
pelicons
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Respect
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.