Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?