Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
tell em, edith-anne
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit