Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
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I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
the pigeons are already plenty salty
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I have two kinds of followers
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?