I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Perfect
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Kermit goes Blue.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.