ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Confused owl: What?!
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room