Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
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Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
how it started vs how it ended