Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
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I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”